As I was sitting in the back of my friend’s car – full of drunks – after a long night of sweaty dirty dancing – I started thinking about how lonely my vagina was getting.
My ex boyfriend was gone from my life and so were his pathetic attempts at getting meaningless one night sexapades with me. Don’t get me wrong I like having that feeling of security – like investing my whole retirement portfolio in the U.S housing market – but imagining Jake Gyllenhaal while Herbert the Pervert was plowing me from behind started getting difficult – no matter how drunk I was.
I needed a new adventure - A captain that will take upon him the challenge of exploring my sea.
Once again I turned to all the social network websites I was currently a member of searching through my expanded list of “friends”.
Which will later prove to be the root cause of the “FAIL” status of my mission.
Truthfully, for this exact purpose alphabetically searching through friends is frustrating. Penis size would be more relevant.
I finally stumbled upon one “friend” who would perhaps qualify to advance to the next round of Cockonopoly – the game where I slowly conquer all the penises in the world and charge fees and taxes when other bitches make the wrong move.
You probably ask yourself ”Wat is it about that ‘friend’ that qualified him?” well...... I will list a few attributes.
1. Rumored large penis size
2. The nature of our relationship – we knew each other close enough to feel comfortable yet not close enough that we shared private stories about our pasts.
3. He never dated any of my bitches
4. He was better looking than Herbert the Pervert
A combination of these and a few more private reasons that I’d rather not share since it has to do more with personal preference than with generally accepted requirements.
So equipped with all the sex appeal that I could gather I made a move.
Things advanced quite quickly.
We both knew what we were getting into.
I mean…. After all…My second text message to him did involve the word fuck and a certain vowel. My intentions were clear.
As this story was unfolding and I was slowly trying to prove to myself that the 4 previously mentioned attributes were true – (number 1 taught me a harsh lesson – bitches lie and number 4 taught me that beer goggles are as necessary as condoms when it comes to sex) – a friend on the other side of our Village was sharing her story with me that coincidently (NOT – we both planned on this) was very similar to mine.
The only notable difference was that her penis was located a little further down on the Cockonopoly board. (He lived in a different village – for those of you who find it hard to follow).
Together, my friend and I came to a few conclusions as to why both of our relationships were coming to an end.
1. Sexual relationship stemming from a friendship will alter that friendship dramatically. – you might think “DUH?!” well!! I didn’t think so at first – why would guys find it hard to still be interested in your weekday tasks while only fucking you on weekends? Why can I be concerned about your cranky boss at work and be concerned about your cum dripping from the side of my mouth and you can’t?!?! I can do both – men can’t.
2. Man finds it intimidating when woman is not afraid to admit that all she wants from him is sex.
3. Man forgets how to act like a man when woman proves to have bigger balls than man – woman gets turned off.
4. Man acts like bitch when woman is no longer sexually satisfied and decides to leave man for another one.
5. Man suddenly thinks woman is hoe when woman tells man she wants new penis.
6. Man tries to act like he don’t care and asks to remain friends. Woman don’t care – she got plenty.
7. Man develops feelings for woman who don’t care. Woman is slowly winning in Cockonopoly.
8. Osama Bin Laden gets shot in the head – dies.
9. Woman can’t stand man trying too hard to stay in woman’s life
10. Woman blocks man on Facebook
11. Man and woman – both - have minus 1 friend on face book.
Fuck turning friends into fuck buddies who in turn become obsessive stalkers
I’d rather meet a stranger off the street
as always, GENIUS!
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