Beyonce Did It First

The phone rings

FUCKING JESS!!!  Christian is just about to tie up Ana.

Fuck my hormones.

“You have 10 seconds to tell me what you want, or I’m gonna make you dig up Paris Hilton’s sex tape for me. I’m just about to get to the juiciest part in 50 shades and you ruined the god damn moment”.  

“What are you doing tonight?”

“Jess I told you already, it’s Friday and I’m fucking tired. I’m going to read 50 shades and turn my bed into a water bed because Sleep Country ran out”

“I have breaking Facebook news”.

Oh snap. Jess has hit the soft spot.

She rarely brings me Facebook news, but when she does I know it’s something worthy.

I let out a very loud breath, “this better be good, I’m putting my bookmark in”

“Your asshole ex-boyfriend is a fucking idiot and doesn’t know the first thing about post-breakup etiquette”

“Yes, I know Jess, you called me to tell me that?! Perhaps you should shock me with the fact that he likes to shove brooms up his ass too?”

“hahaha” Jess laughs, she has way too much energy this Friday, usually she’s in bed before 7pm.
“So... “ I rush her

“You need to get ready, we are going out tonight. He accepted an invite to some event”

Tsk, tsk, tsk

Rookie mistake. Common mistake.

I’d like to share something with the male population...

Ya’ll like to believe that the next girl you will meet will not be a psycho like your ex. And every single time you meet a new girl, you believe that THIS one is the normal one that you’ve been waiting for. But fellas, you never learn from your experiences.

When women meet men they act like presidential candidates.

They have their platforms ready, well rehearsed speeches, naked pictures of their junk on some stripper’s phone, and many, many vague promises, including peace. Once the election has been won, that’s when true colors start to show.

 This is when you want out!

But hey!  This isn’t Canada; we don’t call a new election every month just because you think you’ve been tricked. We remind you that you’ve supported this decision 140%, just like Russia’s population.  

You’re screwed. You get stuck with this crazy bitch that gives amazing head, and you don’t want to lose the privilege of fucking without condoms.

However eventually, all good things must come to an end, and when you finally rode out the term and the relationship is over, you let out a sigh of relief. Like a rainbow riding unicorn, high on your freedom, you forgot the most important thing. As girlfriends we had a reputation to uphold and had to keep our insanity muted, but once a relationship is over all rules are stripped and we become psycho. Real psycho,  rabid with foam dripping down our mouths, RED ALERT PSYCHO.

That is why post break up, a man should never, EVER, make contact with his ex.

This includes keeping a low profile at all times.
Do not, for fuck sakes, make anything public about your whereabouts on the internet. Unless you want your car keyed, tires slashed, room vandalized, or worse; your porn collection erased from your computer.

 “Are you telling me I can finally get my revenge?” I ask, trying to choke down Satan’s evil laugh that’s erupting from my insides.

“All I’m saying, Anna, is that you need to look hot so he can see what he’s missing out on”.

“mmmmmmmmmmm sure” I respond

“I’ll pick you up at 11”.

I put my phone down and start manically tearing through my closet like a red neck American in the clearance aisle of Walmart.

It’s almost 11 and I’m checking myself out in the mirror...

I need a ring, my fingers look bare.

I find a big CZ ring and fit it over my ring finger... perfection.

If I had a dick I’d stick it in me for sure.

We arrive at the club and head over to the bar.

My game plan is to have as many men around me as possible, ready for when I spot my ex.
It’s easy with this dress, and it’s fairly late, so men are desperate enough to show their interest in you.

Jess bumps my elbow and I turn my head slightly to spot the ugliest man in the room; my ex.

He walks up to me and starts to engage in small talk. Clearly he’s interested and hasn’t gotten laid since we broke up.

"You reek of desperation”, I announce to him.

“You smell lovely yourself too”, he smiles, but his eyes hide nothing, it’s still the same face of the man who decided to cheat on me.

“You know there’s no need to butter me up, I want you just as much as you want me”, I say, and with this invitation we both start walking to the restroom.

The last stall to the left is empty and he goes in first. After checking that no one is looking,  I open the door, walk in, turn around and pretend to lock the door.
His hands are already all over me, caressing and lifting my dress up, trying to shift my thong to the side so his fingers could enter me. My ass is grinding against his jean confined cock and I can sense him gloating.

Dirty pig.

I turn to face him and we start kissing. He tastes like cheap whisky and cigarettes. I’d imagine that’s how the mall Santa’s mouth tastes like.

Sure I’ll sit on your lap baby...but before that I want my gift...in my mouth...

My hands travel down to his belt, unfastening it, and effortlessly unzipping and gliding his pants down to the floor.

I start stroking and sucking and as I’m doing it I’m starting to doubt what I had planned to do next.

I look up expecting to see his face but all I see is bull’s eye. He deserves it.

I start deep-throating him to distract him while I take off my ring and hold it in the palm of my hand. I slow down, and smoothly push him backwards a little. I grab his cock and slide my ring into my mouth, playing with it and positioning it the right way while stroking him in my hands. When he least expect it I slide his dick into my open mouth and yank it out with the ring cutting along his dirty dick.

I never heard him squeal that hard.

“FUCKING WHORE” is all I heard when I slammed the door behind me running for Jess at the bar.


I grabbed her and we both ran out to the parking lot.

That’s what you get for cheating.

If he cheated then you should’ve put a ring on it... i think that's how the lyrics go.... 

All the single ladies